


Reparations

by Lycaon Shadowhunter (TachyonStar)



Series: Y'senia's Plot Antics [6]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: F/M, Full of Feels, ShB!Thancred needs a smack or five tbh, the plot expands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TachyonStar/pseuds/Lycaon%20Shadowhunter
Summary: Y'senia's finally being forced to have the difficult conversation she's been putting off since she came to the First.
Relationships: Warrior of Light/Thancred Waters
Series: Y'senia's Plot Antics [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756690
Kudos: 7





	Reparations

**Author's Note:**

> ahahahahah *sobs* I'm writing all of this so out of order why do I even do these things to myself _aaaaaa_ \--
> 
> (I've also made it so much harder to figure out how to deal with Senia and Zenos later, agh why self.)
> 
> Anyway. Since I had no bloody idea _how_ to make Senia and Thancred talk all this shit out, I decided I was going to torture myself and make Urianger figuratively bash their heads together. ~~It was almost literal, ngl.~~ I swear to god, I never want to write his damn speech patterns again, and yet I know I'm gonna end up doing it anyway. At least once I get into the swing of it, it flows nicely?
> 
> I am entirely not sorry for any feels whiplash anyone may get. I'm still recovering from my own. I am, however, sorry for any disillusionment imparted via the fact that Senia can be one petty, selfish, unlikable bitch when she lets herself.
> 
> Also, for those of you thinking she's learnt how to use the Unyielding Blade technique, you're correct. Have a cookie.

Little by little, ever so slowly, holding a blade in my hands is beginning to grow more and more comfortable.  
  
The thought nags at the corners of my mind as I continue to focus on the training dummy in front of me, methodically moving through a series of simple cuts and stances, the katana's keen edge hissing through the air as if to rend the very night in twain - and in hands more skilled than mine it might do just that, but even in my amateurish grasp it is easy enough to bring to bear in a useful manner, the shimmering crystalline blade (a gift from the Exarch, when I asked him where I might find a weapon suitable for channeling large amounts of aether into) proving more than sufficient to nearly obliterate whatever it might strike. Like this, I think perhaps I might even become proficient enough to wield such a weapon in battle; a bit of a jarring thought, to be sure, yet at the same time...  
  
Warmth flares behind my left eye, and I bring the blade down in a fierce slash, neatly severing one arm from the dummy in a whirlwind of straw, splinters and light.  
  
The figurative dust has not even had time to settle before the sound of slow applause reaches my ears, and I turn in surprise to see Thancred and Urianger standing nearby, the latter proving the source of the sound while the former simply observes with arms loosely folded. "When did you get here?" I can't help asking in surprise, and then realising how that must sound, I quickly shake my head and sheathe the blade, ears flattening forward just a little in a sheepish slant. "That isn't - I didn't mean - you, ah, surprised me. I expected everyone had already turned in for the night...er, is aught amiss that you needed me for?"  
  
"Nay, not _amiss_ as such." Urianger is the one to answer, and I would almost swear he looks amused, but it's a bit too dark to properly tell. "'Tis merely a pleasant night for a walk to clear the mind - and mayhap an optimal time to _talk_ as well, for the selfsame reason. After all," and now he's looking between me and Thancred with a gaze much too sharp for comfort, making the both of us squirm in identical unease, "it hath been long, for the both of thee, since more than simple conversation would pass thy lips. Thancred hath endured five long winters since the Calling, knowing not whether he would ever chance to meet with thee again - and in thine own way, thou hast been the prisoner of thine own time, kept far from those who have e'er been at thy side. Certainly one cannot expect that, at the very instant of thy reunification, all thy troubles and bitterness would simply be washed away - 'tis not as simple as all that, which thou knowest well." The slightest of headshakes, and then he is moving to take hold of first my arm, then Thancred's, ushering us both towards a set of ornate benches beneath a nearby tree. "Pray sit for a time, and _speak_. We cannot well afford to have the rift between thee grow any greater - not when the path before us becometh more dangerous by the minute."  
  
Reluctantly I let myself be nudged to sit, looking down at the grass below our feet and tracing nervous fingers instinctively along the hilt of my blade to try and ease my mind - a gesture that does not go unnoticed, from the way Thancred is eyeing my hands when I finally raise my head, his face unreadable in a way that does not reassure me in the least. "I suppose I _do_ have a question," he says, and though I can pick out no unusual tone in his words, something about them is still getting my hackles up in a way it's proving very difficult to stifle. "It is... _most_ unlike you, Y'senia, to show the slightest bit of interest in wielding a blade. When, pray tell, did you make the decision to begin training with one? Fair recent, was it - since arriving here in the First, mayhap? Or..." he pauses there, a pointed silence that lingers just long enough to be _extremely_ uncomfortable, and then goes on with an edge in his voice that physically pains me to hear. "No, that isn't the way of it at all, is it? You have gained no sudden love for the sword, no wish to merely avail yourself of its arts - you do this to _remember_. To keep alive the recollection of a _monster_ , a genocidal _beast_ that would best be left forgotten. I am loath to think you so _selfishly_ thoughtless," his voice is rising now, almost a blade all its own from the anger it contains, "but you are certainly _not_ doing aught to prove otherwise! Instead, the very instant my figurative back was turned, you made to throw aside all we had--"  
  
"That's not it at all," I find the voice to interrupt shrilly, feeling cold all over, shaking my head hard as if somehow that can diminish the hurt of his words. "I would never - you _know_ I would never do that to you--"  
  
"Ah, yes, you would _never_ ," he parrots me, almost mockingly, "except that is _precisely_ what you've done - and now I imagine you mean to make excuses, do you not? It was for _this_ reason, or for _that_ one, something you had precisely no control over? You would really have me believe such obvious falsehoods? I want the _truth_ of it, Y'senia - not these paltry _lies_ you would try my sympathies with! Or do I not even deserve that much? Do you _truly_ think me such a fool?"  
  
I honestly don't know how to react, right now - I feel as if I want to cry, or to be violently ill, or to run and never stop, yet none of those options seem sufficient; and so I resort to something I would normally never do, something I have not done to anyone since I was a child, taking the pain and turning it right back on him the best I can. "Mayhap you _are_ a fool," come the first venomous words from my lips, and the way his shoulders jerk sharply tells me that he expected no counterattack, a fact I now dig into most viciously. "You would have truth from me, and yet you think aught I would say is mere excuses! But should I have _expected_ any more of a man who thinks his favour so _easily_ lost that I would simply discard him at the soonest opportunity? A man who clearly thinks I meant precisely naught of it when I spoke at last of how I felt about him? I should be the one furious with _you_ , if I did not pity you so much! If only you could pull your head out of the _past_ , then--"  
  
He is on his feet now, eyes afire with fury, hands balled into fists so tight they are shaking, and I know I shouldn't feel satisfied by that but I do. "Not _one_ more word out of you--"  
  
"Then you would _see_ ," I continue on, raising my voice over his, getting to my feet as well to stare him in the eye. "The one making hypocritical excuses here is you--"  
  
"You would think _me_ hypocritical?! When what you have done is--"  
  
"No _worse_ than anything you have--"  
  
"That," Urianger's voice cuts through the air like a whipcrack, full of an anger I would never have thought him capable of, "is _quite_ enough, from both of thee!"  
  
We flinch as one and fall silent, heads turning to give him identical looks of wordless shock.  
  
"Pray tell _me_ thy tale, Y'senia," he continues after a breath, once more as calm and composed as if he had never shouted at all, putting up a finger when I open my mouth to protest. "Nay, I care not if it should sound a mere excuse. Even the most outlandish of excuses hath roots in truth, and I would ascertain those roots from thy words - thou art not like to do something so damning without good reason. Do sit once more," not that he's giving me a _choice_ , taking my arm in a hold far stronger than I would have expected him to be capable of and pulling me back down into my abandoned seat. "And prithee confer unto me every detail - leave not a one unsaid. No matter the embarrassment, 'twill assist in understanding."  
  
I groan, rubbing a hand over my face. "You certainly don't want to make this easy on me, do you? No - wait. _Please_ don't answer that."  
  
Thankfully, he remains silent - and so does Thancred, allowing me to gather my thoughts and reluctantly begin to explain.  
  
It's certainly not the easiest thing I've ever done in my life, but I _do_ manage to get all the words out, though my eyes are full of tears and I can hardly speak by the end; I'm sure that isn't helping my case, but at least Thancred seems too leery of garnering more wrath to say anything, and Urianger simply looks thoughtful as he considers what I've said. "Aye, 'tis passing strange," he says finally, "but still there seemeth some logic to it. Thy words betray a most intimate familiarity with what thou speaketh of - to that end, I would hazard a guess that in thine observations, a reminder of thine own self did shine through. Loneliness, sadness, the desperate thought that if _only_ thou wouldst find a single person who might take that all away from thee; all feelings thou art well-versed in the remembrance of, are they not? Prithee consider that, and all doth begin to fall into place...seeing the reflection of thine own heart in his actions and words, thou sought only to soothe that pain, as never was done for thee. A commendable impulse, in all truth - if, mayhap, a rather _mistaken_ one."  
  
Honestly, that stings more than any of Thancred's angry words had, and I can hardly stop myself from curling up into a very tight little ball, though I do make the concession of drawing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms round them. "I know," I say finally, flatly, taking a slow breath and pressing my forehead down against my knees, just trying to keep it together. "I've ruined everything. You don't have to tell me that. I'll just have to live with the fact that I've lost maybe the best thing to ever happen to me. Are you done scolding me like a wayward kit now? I'm sure Thancred has plenty he wants to say about my utter idiocy, should he be able to speak a word without shouting at me." Another breath, and I get to my feet again, picking up the katana and throwing it roughly aside, not looking at either one of them. "...Go on, then. Get it over with, while I'm certain I can't be made to feel any more horrible and selfish."  
  
"Y'senia," Thancred starts, low and tight like he's about to begin another round of shouting after all, but then he sighs heavily and reaches out to take me by the shoulders. "...One thing - I would have you tell me just one thing. Look me in the eye," he's turning me forcibly around even as he speaks, and I can't keep from flinching, some part of me expecting a blow that never comes and managing to be genuinely surprised when it doesn't. " _Look_ at me, and pray tell me the truth. Do you simply intend to cast me aside, then? Is that what you _want_?"  
  
Meeting his eyes may just be the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and it takes all of my courage to slowly lift my head, bracing myself for the fury I'm sure I'll see there - and genuinely stunned to see none of it, just a pained, desperate sadness that most likely mirrors my own. "...No," I whisper, and it's a wonder I can get any sound out at all, with as tight as my throat feels. "That's _not_ what I want. I don't - I don't want to lose this. To lose _you_. But...it's only what I deserve, isn't it? To - be cast aside _myself_ , for what I've done to you - it's unforgivable, I know it is, and I know no apology will suffice...but..." forced to stop for a moment, gulping back a sob, I struggle to lift my chin just a little more, hoping I don't look as pitiful as I'm absolutely positive I do. "I'm sorry, Thancred...I'm so sorry. I-I understand if you can't accept that...I just...I..."  
  
"Oh, Y'senia," he sighs, just looks at me for a long moment, then shakes his head and pulls me into his arms. "Come here, you bloody _idiot_. Just...let it all go."  
  
Even as stunned as I am, I don't need to be told twice; I can't help but bury myself into the warmth of his embrace, clutching tight at his coat for support as I break down into great wracking sobs.  
  
For a time he says nothing more, merely lets me vent the myriad of rampant emotions within me, and for that I am genuinely grateful; it is only once my sobbing has calmed that he speaks again, the anger gone from his voice, sounding just as tired as I feel now that my remorseful grief is mostly spent. "Tell me one thing," he says, quiet and no longer anywhere near so guarded as he sounded when first he addressed me tonight, something I can only be glad of. "You said you spoke to him of love. Of its warmth, its all-consuming depth and the joy it brings. At that moment..." he pauses, exhales the softest of sighs and puts his hands on my shoulders again, pushing me back enough to look into my eyes. "Who was it, then, that you thought of? Who was it that you imagined bringing those emotions to bear within you? Mayhap I shall regret the answer, but--"  
  
"You shan't," I promise him, as fiercely as I can when I feel as if I've just cried myself into a withered husk of my former self, sniffling back the last of the tears and reaching up to try and wipe my cheeks halfheartedly dry. "It was you - I swear to it. At that moment, despite looking on his face, into his eyes...I could only recall you, and each moment that I truly realised you were precious to me as far more than just a friend or an ally. I may have gained some affection for him at the end, 'tis true, but..." taking a deep breath, I try to smile, though I'm so exhausted I am sure the effort goes not at all well. "It is _you_ that I love above all else, Thancred. You, and no other...though my idiocy doesn't often let me show it--" and I break off there into a bit of a sobbing laugh, the tears starting again, feeling distinctly vulnerable and not liking it one bit. "I-I'm sorry. I - I just can't seem to s-stop crying, I - please f-forgive me, I think perhaps - I might be...rather overtired - I..."  
  
"I would agree," Thancred responds a little dryly, sympathy in his eyes now as he shakes his head, his grip on my shoulders tightening a little bit to keep me upright - I think I ought to be embarrassed, but I can only be grateful for the support, feeling as though I might fall flat on my face otherwise. "Overtired, underfed, and _thoroughly_ overworked - honestly, I am both exceptionally curious as to how you are even conscious right now, and decidedly afraid of any potential answer. You can't honestly say you thought I hadn't noticed--" and well, he isn't wrong, but I had at least _hoped_ he would have paid no heed to the fact I've hardly taken enough nourishment to function for some time now, or been unable to sleep but the barest amount required to keep myself from simply collapsing from exhaustion. "No, never mind, that is quite enough talk. Off to bed with you - and with me, you must be mad if you think I would let you alone - and when we wake, you are going to eat. Properly. If I have to hand-feed you every last bite like a babe in arms, then so be it. You have no _protests_ , I hope?"  
  
I can feel myself blushing rather brilliantly, and the fact that I'm fairly sure Urianger just snorted a most undignified laugh into his hands isn't helping ease the embarrassment any, but I resolutely do my best to push it aside, feeling a little warm all over at Thancred's concern - no matter how forceful it is, or how much genuine guilt it induces in the back of my mind, it still feels good to know he cares even when he's furious with me. "Not a one," I say finally, quiet and exhausted, and when he lifts me into a tight, worried carry, I don't even bother to try and struggle. "I only...just...do you _promise_ to stay with me? If I should wake to find you not at my side--" the very thought brings dismayed grief, and I turn my head to bury it into his shoulder, taking a slow deep breath. "Please...I'm sorry, but please promise me you'll be there..."  
  
"I promise," Thancred says immediately, gentle but firm, an easy reassurance that settles some of the helpless maelstrom raging in my heart. "I do not intend to let you out of my sight until I am _fully_ certain you are well-rested and have eaten a proper meal. Whether that takes hours, days, or _gods_ forbid, still more - rest assured that you will have absolutely nothing resembling privacy for a time. And before you even think to pout, you have only yourself to blame for that." He's smirking faintly, though, despite the seriousness of his words, and that too calms me a bit more when I glance up to see it, letting myself settle limp against his chest as a bone-deep tiredness begins to set in. "But enough talk - I doubt I need to _bore_ you to sleep, you're already nearly there. To bed with you." Glancing at Urianger, he shifts me into a more secure hold and turns to head towards the Pendants. "If you would be so kind as to tell the Exarch we are not to be disturbed unless it is a catastrophic emergency? I can hardly do it myself, after all."  
  
"I shall inform him, and the others, anon," Urianger agrees, rising to his feet and sketching a small bow - not that I _see_ it, my eyes drifting inexorably closed, but I know him well enough to know he's doing exactly that. "Pray rest well, if thou art able - and should I see thy faces before at least a day hath passed us by, I shall be forced to be rather furious with the both of thee. Surely, I imagine, thou dost not wish to bring down such a fate upon thyselves." Clearing his throat, because he sounds like he's trying not to chuckle and that's clearly ruining his attempt to be most serious, he draws close enough to brush my cheek with gentle fingers, and from the way Thancred tenses in surprise a moment later he's presumably received the same gesture of worried affection. "We shall speak again ere long. Now begone - before I drag thee both by thine ears."  
  
"A most unappealing thought," Thancred answers dryly, but he's not hesitating, starting away at a pointedly quick pace and muttering under his breath. "Honestly, I cannot believe him at times. Drag us by our _ears_ \- I should like to see him try. He'd have to _catch_ us first, at any rate, and - you aren't listening, are you. No, never mind, don't bother answering that even if you are..." he continues on in that vein, soft and inane words that lull me into near-slumber, and it's not till I suddenly feel myself being laid against crisp sheets that I realise we've made it all the way to the Pendants, making a tired sound and attempting to grip at his coat just a little, earning a chuckle and a soft murmur. "I'm not going anywhere - I promise. Just let me get a bit more comfortable, and then I shall join you."  
  
"Mmn," I protest sleepily, but it's not as if I could stop him even if I tried right now, and so I simply let myself settle in, drinking in the delicate coolness of the fresh linens.  
  
"And the same to you." Two thumps, presumably his boots hitting the floor, follow the words, then a great rustling of thick cloth, and Thancred settles coatless beside me the next moment, curling protectively round me and pressing his lips affectionately to my forehead. "There - now _sleep_ , Y'senia. I do not plan on moving even an ilm until I am certain you are rested."  
  
I'm close enough to dozing fully off that I can't really answer him, but I _do_ manage the tiniest of smiles, and the way his arms tighten round me tells me that he did indeed see it.  
  
Satisfied with that, I sleep, certain he's not far behind in doing the same.


End file.
